5 Recipes With 5 Ingredients or Fewer So You Can Get The Fuck Out of the Grocery Store

In the age of social distancing and heightened sanitary practices, grocery shopping requires significantly more self-awareness. Getting groceries is one of the few reasons you’re allowed to leave your house, but bitch, we do not have all day! Here are five recipes that you can count the ingredients on your one sanitized hand so you can get your asymptomatic ass the fuck out of there as soon as you have what you need. Quick! There’s no time!! GO!!



This classic Italian cuisine staple is one you would usually order at a nice restaurant, but you can make it at home, too! Assuming you already have salt, pepper, and butter, you’ll need half of a large white onion, 2 cups arborio or carnaroli rice, 1 cup dry white wine, and parmesan cheese. That’s it! Ok chop chop, hun, time to scram!


Caprese Salad

This is a small little meal that doesn’t require much, just some 8 oz. fresh mozzarella, 1 bunch of basil leaves, 3 vine-ripe tomatoes. It’s fresh, lovely, and best of all now you’re ready to skiddo the hell out of this public space!!



Garlic-Rubbed Buttery Roast Chicken

Are you reading this article inside the store? We’re already running out of time, so we’ll keep this one short. Grab a 4 lb. whole chicken and 8 green garlic stalks, don’t waste time saying a fucking word to anyone, leave the cash on the counter, and skedaddle, you possibly-sick slut!


E.L.T. (Egg-Lettuce-Tomato) Sandwich

A protein-heavier twist on a lunchtime classic: bread, mayonnaise, beefsteak tomatoes, eggs (hard boil them at home), and iceberg lettuce. Ok that’s everything, sweetheart, time to peel out!


Lean Cuisine

Yup that’s it! Vamoose, bitch!


Just because your dining options are limited right now doesn’t mean you need to deprive yourself of a wholesome meal! Grocery shopping is daunting enough right now, so avoid the chance that your shopping list items are sold out by keeping the list short. And bitch your time there better be short too because we swear to god if we don’t see your ass bolt out those automatic doors when you’re done…. Oh and don’t forget to sanitize those containers and wash that produce when you get home! Stay safe and sane out there!