Remember those special summers that shaped your childhood, the ones that you’ll think back to and remember with warmth and affection? Oh wait, you were at fat camp, weren’t you? Oh, we’re sorry. Here are some other magical summers to remember instead of the real ones where you ate 1200 calories a day.
Camp-Out With Your Best Friend
There’s nothing like packing up your sleeping bag, a stack of comics, some flashlights, and a big bag o’ mallows up and camping out in your best friend’s backyard for the night. The two of you would have spent many hot summer nights out under the stretching sky, making wishes on shooting stars and sharing your prepubescent hopes and dreams, if you weren’t actually doing jumping jacks and running up ‘heart attack hill’ with all the other pudgeys at camp. What a fun memory that was!
Catchin’ Frogs Down at the Ol’ Swimmin Hole
Strap on your overalls and load up your bog-wagons – it’s frog-catchin’ time! Remember you and your best buddies wading into Hobbin’s Pond, feeling the slime-slick rocks under your toes as you crouch down scoop your hands into the pond, catching the biggest and slipperiest suckers you could! Oh wait, that’s right you were away at fat camp swimming your ‘baby fat’ off across the lake, even though you were 14 and going through puberty.
Starring in Community Theater
There’s nothing like the summer that you found your inner artist. Every night you put on a beautiful costume made just for you, young long hair sweeping about your shoulders as you dance and laugh and cry, the whole community captivated by your precociousness – if you weren’t stuck in a cafeteria eating turkey burgers and trading 50 Equal Packets for an extra Snackwell. This memory was also totally fine!
Sweet Summer Love
Ah yes. Those steamy days making out with Chet, the sun-kissed junior lifeguard down at the town pool. Your days together spent eating ice cream, the nights spent skinny-dipping and awkwardly groping each other in the pool-pump shed. This is your first love, and it’s the one that you will remember for the rest of your life – oh wait, you were actually 100 miles upstate trapped in an endless Jane Fonda video? Mom and Dad really thought they were helping at the time, didn’t they?
Being a Sexy, Sexy Teen Murdered at a Lake
It’s the last week of summer before school starts, and all of the sexy, sexy teens are going down to Handjob Lake to lose their virginities to each other. They’re gonna roast weenies and learn how to spit on each other the right way until, oh no! It’s the Hook-Handed Hand-Strangler of Handjob Lake! Look out Betsy he’s gonna – Oh. Right. That would have actually been more fun than being at fat camp, where you were cry-jogging instead of getting murdered with all your friends.
Well, the real you may have been running round and round a track trying to slim down in time for back-to-school shopping, but you can always pretend that you had a magical, magical summer full of friendship and adventure and young love and ice cream. These are the memories that would have lasted you a lifetime!
