UTIs are like clingy parents: They can be SO embarrassing. And there’s nothing more embarrassing than your parents showing up once a month right after you accidentally fall asleep and forget to pee after sex. The only way you can get through the day is by taking your UTI home remedy of drinking cranberry juice into the public arena.
But wait—won’t everyone know you feel like you’re sitting on broken glass? Not if you spin it right! Here are some super fun and cute ways to ask for a cranberry juice while minimizing the embarrassing fact that your urinary tract is laden with bacteria.
Make a shocking statement.
Distract from the fact your urethra is screaming by saying something ear shattering:
“ISIS does make a few good points about Western aggression. They don’t seem that bad and neither does some cranberry juice. I am not screaming because I have a UTI.”
Insist that cranberry juice is the drink of celebrities.
By convincing your bartender you majored in pop culture, and you know for a FACT that Jessica Alba, Zoë Saldana and Lena Dunham attribute their healthiness, wellbeing and success to cranberry juice, he’ll never think your lower abdomen is burning hotter than molten lava.
“Beyoncé sold out Madison Square Garden the other day in under two minutes, and she did it while drinking Ocean Spray! Could I have just a cranberry juice, please? I’m thirsty for success, and not a UTI!”
Fake a pregnancy.
Everyone trusts a pregnant woman—she’s gonna be a mom, after all! If you ever want someone to think you’re a reliable health-related decision maker, just pretend to have a bun in the oven. Preggos have precious cargo on board, so they’d never let anything bad happen to them! Order your cranberry juice with confidence knowing that no one will think you let it get bad enough to cause permanent kidney damage.
“Could I get a vodka cranberry please, but hold the vodka? I’m drinking for two; me, and not a UTI!”
Emphasize your charitable side.
Pretend you’re ordering a red juice to raise awareness for an incurable disease’s ribbon color. By bringing up all of the good you’re doing in the world, no one will ever suspect that your peepee hole is a giant mess.
“I believe every day is World AIDS Day. What’s red that’s not tomato juice that I can drink in order to raise awareness? Oh, cranberry juice? Don’t people drink that when they have UTIs? I wouldn’t know! I guess I’ll try it.”
Distract with another problem you have in your life.
By bringing up another issue, no one will know your kidneys are quietly being ripped into shreds.
“I accidentally hit my dog with my car on the way here. Can I have a cranberry juice?”
Hopefully these fun, playful tips will help you bear the embarrassment of your next UTI. Hang in there!