We all have one: that horrible enormous green lace thong that sits in the back of your underwear drawer mocking you as it collects dust. For one horrendous day it plagued the sanctity of your butt crack, and the memory of that day has left the monster in exile within a forgotten world full of holey socks and loose change.
But what if there was an option to use that thong for good? Here are five ways you can put that horrible, good for nothing, thong to good use.
1. Use It As A Bookmark
Thongs are meant to be stuck between things, so why not nestle yours within the pages of your favorite novel? Don’t be the menace who dog-ears the pages and ruins the book for future readers. Just stick a thong right in there and you’ll know exactly where you left off. As an act of kindness, be sure to leave it in the book when you return it to the library so the next person can use your creative thong bookmark!
2. Use it as a Christmas Ornament
Save your horrible thong and use it to bring yuletide cheer! Nothing says Christmas like a decorative, colorful piece of lace that, for a period of time, was once wedged right next to your anus. The thong will look beautiful as the lights from the tree twinkle through the holes in the lace, and through the other, larger hole that you accidently tore in it while taking it off. We wish it were Christmas today!!
3. Turn it Into a Tiny Flag and Give it to a Child
Hot glue that baby to a sturdy stick, and you’ve got a one-of-a-kind thong flag! Children are always playing make-believe, so find a child and give them this exciting intimate flag to wave all around the neighborhood. Go Thongs!
4. Leave it as a Clue
It’s always hard to decide what sorts of clues to leave when trying to fool the private eye who’s been hot on your trail for the past two years. Your least favorite thong is the perfect clue to let that pesky investigator know you’ve been there. He’ll smell it from a mile away, but by the time he finds it, you’ll be long gone.
5. Put it in Your Enemies’ Soup
Looking for a way to get back at an enemy of yours? While their back is turned, stick the thong right in their soup bowl. They’ll be horrified to find a used thong on their spoon instead of that chicken noodle you promised to make them. If you’re lucky, maybe they’ll even eat it! This will sure show them.
With all of these fun choices, the world is your oyster when deciding how to use the one object that you definitely can’t return to the store.
