For years, my eczema plagued me. I couldn’t go out, I couldn’t meet men, I became a hermit. I thought I’d spend the rest of my life wearing long sleeves and trying to manage my stress levels. That was, until international songbird Adele swooped into my earbuds and cured me like Lazarus. “Hello, it’s me—your eczema,” she sweetly sang, “I was wondering if after all these years of itchy dry skin, you wanted to find some relief,” And I did. Through these five miracles, Adele accomplished what dermatologists said was possible only through an aggressive regimen of steroids, salves, and changes in diet.
1. Weeping
My skin was as dry as a desert before Adele came along. By starting my days off with listening to “Hello” on repeat for 4.5 hours, I was able to produce enough tears to rehydrate the scaly skin all over my body. Without this regular ugly-cry, there’s no way I’d be wearing this tank top right now. I’m so glad she felt ready to put out another album after the birth of her son, Angelo, because I’m not sure I could have lasted another day.
2. Winged Eyeliner
Anytime I meet a woman out in the world with impeccable winged eyeliner, I know I’m up against some tough competition. This look embodies perfection, and it makes me feel like an inadequate monster woman who should just crawl out of her skin, go home, and never be seen or heard from again. However, a lot of people don’t know that eczema has been scientifically proven to behave in a way that suggests low self-esteem. With a steady hand and a liquid liner, I was able to intimidate my eczema hard enough to make it literally crawl back into my skin and never be seen again.
3. Trying to Make Out With My Arm
Adele’s next chart-topper “Send My Love To Your New Lover” gave me the courage to practice encountering my ex-boyfriend through a little role-play. I played myself, and my left arm played my ex, Danny. We had a good “chat” and were able to work things out and “reconcile” with a pretty hot makeout sesh. This aggressive and highly sexualized arm-kissing exfoliated my eczema right off my forearm and it never returned. Thanks, Adele!
4. Trying to Tease My Hair
The volume of Adele’s hair has gone down significantly since her last album, but it is still a point of envy for me. While listening to “River Lea” and backcombing my bouffant, I became so overcome with emotion that I slipped and accidently scraped my shoulder eczema right off. It was graphic and beautiful, like the River Lea itself.
So there you have it. Adele single-handedly cured me of my eczema. I can only wish the power and inspiration of Adele can cure you of whatever skin disease you have. Happy healing!
