Why use body language or actual language to tell the world of what kind of grade-A biatch you truly are? Warn them from across the room and let your tote do the talking – here are the perfect purses to flaunt your personal bitch style:
The Studded Purse
Nothing says, “Don’t fuck with this well-accessorized biatch” like some good old-fashioned S&M hardware. Not only will you look tougher than The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, this metal-and-leather gunny sack is also good for smacking your boyfriend hard after you’ve heard “Another shoe store?” for the billionth time. Wield it clumsily and hit store displays so people know you’re not careful.
The Céline Inspired Cheap-o
Screw knockoff Birkins; you’ll never pass this one off as real unless you have the wardrobe to go with it. Instead, Google “Céline inspired purses” and channel your inner “I-can’t-find-my-sapphire-drop-earrings-therefore-CONSUELA-MUST-HAVE-TAKEN-THEM” Greenwich, Connecticut bitch in no time. So understated it makes a statement about how understated it is, this boring-as-fuck, plain Jane bag screams, “I will have my dad get you fired” louder than you can.
Three words, ladies: Big, White, and Leather. A risky investment that can be ruined by practically anything, it’s the penultimate “I’m high maintenance and about to snap” statement. Daily grime is for the masses; distinguish yourself from the peons and proudly proclaim, “I need at least eight feet of personal space.”
The Teeniest Clutch
Last but not least, the pièce de résistance of blindingly bitchy bags: The Barely There Purse! We’ve all seen her – that impeccably dressed, coiffed, and shod bitch with her perfect manicure and stork legs that somehow holds it together without a suitcase full of product. She doesn’t need Chapstick, loose change or fuzzy old tampons poking out of their wrappers – and if she does, someone else better be goddamn carrying them.