4 Out of 5 of These Scientists Will Agree with Whatever You Want if You Just Stop Crying

In a recent survey out of Spokane, WA, four out of five of these scientists will agree to whatever you want – seriously, anything – if you’d just stop with the crying, for God’s sake.


“We came to a consensus that whether or not the data is scientifically supported or easily disproven,” said lead researcher Dr. Mehti Gupta. “Nothing compares to the joy we would have if you would just stop fucking screaming.”


Three out of the five doctors said they’d nod in agreement with whatever you said, and even agreed to spread dangerous misinformation that could kill thousands if you would just shut the fuck up for one fucking minute so they could hear themselves think.



In spite of its known lack of efficacy, one scientist offered to buy you McDonald’s, while another offered you ice cream if you would just be quiet for the rest of the day.


The lone dissenter in the survey agreed that “She’ll tire herself out eventually” and “Yes, I am experiencing some minor hearing loss.” But others stood firm in their stance that this shit has got to fucking stop.


One hundred percent of responders admitted that if you just calmed down we could all figure this out, but if you don’t stop crying, we’ll never get anywhere. They’re just…so…tired.