So, the unthinkable happened: you were mid-act when your vibrator died. You shake your fist at the sky, ponder why terrible things happen to fine people, and wonder how you’re possibly going to pass the time now. Maybe now that your vibrator is dead, you’ll finally have time to take up a new hobby, like painting or mid-range riflery! Maybe you’ll finally take that sailing trip across the Atlantic. Or even better: Here are four classic 18th century novels to embark upon now that your vibrator has died, and you find yourself with an abundance of time for self-enrichment.
Gulliver’s Travels (Jonathan Swift, 1726)
This book is chief among the 18th century classics you’ve always wanted to read but never had the time because you were too busy doing much more fun things! Without your vibrator as a distraction, dive into this rich, fantastical world of a man who travels to Lilliput – where people are only 6 inches tall – then to Brobdingnag, where everyone is giant. Coincidentally, “Brobdingnag” was the sound your vibrator made when it was on its last legs. RIP.
Robinson Crusoe (Daniel Defoe, 1719)
Dive into the famous story of Robinson Crusoe, a man who became a sailor against the wishes of his parents, who wanted him to pursue law. Honey, some things never change! As an added benefit, this book will put you in the mood to go analog and use your plain ‘ol fingers in your vibrator’s stead! 18th century living is a state of mind.
A Vindication of the Rights of Woman (Mary Wollstonecraft, 1792)
Might as well take this time to read some seminal feminist texts! As a necessary warning, Mary’s definitely racist, as are the rest of the authors on this list. If this girl learned about intersectional feminism, she’d probably kill herself. These are great thoughts to entertain yourself with as you wait for your vibrator to charge – which somehow takes years – and release you from this hell.
The Constitution of the United States (1789)
At this point, you’re probably extremely bored without your vibrator, so might as well lean into that feeling by finally taking a good, long look at the founding document of our nation, the U.S. Constitution. Boring, boring, boring, problematic, boring. Wait, seems like 18th century classics aren’t all good? That’s crazy.
There you have it! There’s no better time to finally crack open some classics than when your vibrator is dead, and you therefore have nothing else to do. At this point, hopefully that bad boy is charged up, and you’ll never have to think of these books again. Happy travels!
