100 Acts of Self-Care That Still Won’t Be Enough to Get You Through the Election

It’s been a tiring election season, made more exhausting every day for millions of women watching this year. That’s why it’s important that you take some time for you and engage in self-care. Here are 100 wonderful ways to self-care that still won’t be enough to get you through this election.

1. Take a warm bubble bath.
2. Drink a milkshake!
3. Get a gel manicure.
4. Look at a good dog.
5. Opt for the whole Xanax this time.
6. Punch a pillow.
7. Let yourself forget to breathe at yoga.
8. Buy a special item of clothing.
9. Affirm yourself: “I am a woman and I matter.”
10. Bake something nice!
11. Clean up all the blood.
12. Get so drunk you destroy a kitchen chair at 5pm.
13. Let out an audible sigh at work.
14. Play checkers?
15. Retrace your steps.
16. Sage cleanse your house.
17. Order a new vibrator online.
18. Kiss a print-out picture of Barack Obama, then take it further.
19. Go on an unfriending binge on Facebook.
20. Try to bend your phone in half.
21. Schedule a therapy appointment.
22. Cry in an Uber.
23. Sign up for a fun class, like kickboxing.
24. Make a blood pact.
25. Vandalize the mailbox of a Trump supporter.
26. Take ten or one hundred minutes to focus on your breath.
27. Gaze out the window on a rainy day and wonder, how did this all happen?
28. Masturbate!
29. Cry in a nice bathroom.
30. Fingerpaint the story of this election.
31. Binge every season of Roseanne on Netflix.
32. Try a new drug.
33. Caress your own naked body repeating the words “I am okay. I am good.”
34. Throw your phone at a passing bus.
35. Foster a kitten!
36. Eat your weight in pie.
37. Buy a rose quartz crystal and wear it over your heart.
38. Contemplate the sweetness of two old people celebrating 50 years of marriage.
39. Invite your therapist home just this once.
40. Fuck the wrong person, but do a really good job.
41. Burn the bad books–you know the ones.
42. Develop a fetish.
43. Start a female-only commune in the mountains.
44. Let the baby take care of you for once.
45. Pretend this is all just a reality show.
46. Pee on the Trump Tower.
47. Rip some hair out of your head. Now we’re talkin’!
48. Do a big poo poo.
49. Dance in the rain.
50. Spit on an ant.
51. Give a man bad directions.
52. Buy all the wine you can carry.
53. Visualize that you’re a train. Mmm. Choo choo.
54. Get a nice leafy salad, then set it on fire.
55. Place bets on how he’ll die.
56. Double-check that you are not a robot.
57. Get really “into” online gambling.
58. Travel to a foreign country. Stay there.
59. Eat, pray, love.
60. Lurk ominously behind any passing man.
61. Collage her face onto all of your clothing.
62. Find a lucky penny.
63. Do a big laugh.
64. Cut up some old scarves.
65. Learn about mushroom species.
66. Hug a child tightly and whisper “You are the future” into their ear.
67. Try surgery!
68. Plant a tree and place a plaque under it that says “Not in my house.”
69. Volunteer. Everywhere.
70. Get a fun new lotion.
71. Make pancakes in the shape of guns.
72. Make a nice floral arrangement. Throw it out the window.
73. Drink a cup of tea and pour one out for Pankhurst.
74. Try a ballroom dancing class!
75. Build an army.
76. Stop flushing toilets.
77. Order a pizza with all the toppings!
78. Finish building that doomsday bunker.
79. Open a Taco Bell. Live there.

 

 

80. Buy yourself a comfy new mattress! Put your money in it.
81. Do kegels until you’re numb.
82. Eat pasta.
83. Have an affair!
84. Rip your fingernails out of the nail beds.
85. Learn a new instrument that isn’t crying.
86. Whisper your heart’s desires into the void.
87. Ask god “Why?”
88. Collect seashells on the beach, even if there isn’t a beach.
89. Tinker with some model trains in the basement.
90. Lay down on the floor and don’t get up.
91. Think about how the world is just one big beautiful tapestry.
92. Hold a man at gunpoint, just for fun.
93. Learn to code, I guess.
94. Become a doula for Guinea pigs.
95. Befriend some ghosts.
96. Try decoupage.
97. Chocolate.
98. Have a good cry for the fate of our nation.
99. Quit your job, leave your family behind, sign yourself over to the state, request a frontal lobotomy, lose your entire awareness of self, do some fun puzzles, embrace drool, maybe fuck some oatmeal, shit your pants whenever you want, abandon all agency. This is fine. This is good. Now you can rest.
100. Get bangs?

Self-care is a great way to attempt but ultimately fail to protect yourself from the traumatic realities of America’s cultural climate. Do any of these 100 ideas and then try some more, because honestly, there’s nothing that you can really do to feel better.