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Jealous? This Snow Is Getting Plowed

New Metronome Released for Women Who Lose Rhythm While Riding Dick

‘The Snow Looks So Pretty,’ Says Woman Who Will Slip and Fall in It Tomorrow

Why I’m Setting My Height Limit on Hinge to 5’7

How to Satisfy Your Sweet Tooth Without Making Your Bitchy Tooth Jealous

Person Claiming They Don’t Get Anxiety Not So Chill When You Start Counting Down From 10

Woman Only Feeds Her Cat Three Times a Day Because She Is Mean

Woman Who Breathed Near Hair Salon Charged $157

Why I Stopped Exfoliating My Feet and Started Hardening Them Into Weapons

Off the Grid? This Woman Left Her Phone in the Kitchen

Woman Scared to Take Meds in Case It Makes Her Normal

Woman Goes to Gym So Infrequently That Average Price of Visit Is $299

How to Say a Proper Goodbye to Your Elf on the Shelf With One Last Handjob

All This Woman Wants for Christmas Is to Be Able to Breathe With Both Nostrils

‘Age Is Just a Number,’ Says Man Who Does Not Feel Same About Weight

Woman’s New Year’s Resolution Is to Remember What Year It Is by March

Aw! This Woman Could Finally Afford a Place of Her Own by Committing a Crime in Norway

REPORT: Woman Corrects Posture Upon Reading This

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