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Neglected Water Glass Mere Inches From Neglected Houseplant

Apple Updates Email Footer to ‘Sent From My iPhone While Taking a Shit’

Woman to Freeze Husband Until She’s Ready to Have Kids

Holy Infant So Tender and Mild Not as Popular as Cheetos® Flamin’ Hot Holy Infant

How to Turn a Bag of Costco Shrimp Into a Gift for Any Occasion

Man Who Thinks Drag Queens Are Groomers Asking 7-Year-Old Niece if She Has a Boyfriend

‘101 Recipes to Try Before You Die’ Cookbook Closes Out With Cyanide Muffin

Uncle Has Weed Pen This Year

‘What Stage of Capitalism is This?’ Says Woman Asked to Pay for Snapple

Yuck! This Turkey Was Dry and Flavorless

How to Get Off That Couch and Onto This Bigger, Softer Couch

Tarot Cards - Reductress

Uh Oh! Psychic Made Weird Face

Yikes! Apple Tree Exhibiting Real ‘Pick Me’ Energy

‘You’re My Muse,’ Says Man Who Sucks at Art

Trump Sycophants Abandon Ship to Dickride More Successful Fascist

REPORT: AirPods Are Under Cat

QUIZ: Still Feeling Good About This Guy Sending People to Space?

Automaker Launches Line of Self-Pleasuring Cars

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