At this point, I’m sure we’ve all heard jokes about the hand-on-chest couple photo position. You’ve heard it’s weird, you’ve heard it’s unnatural, your teenage cousin has commented, “heterosexuality is a disease” on your Facebook profile. And I get that that’s all in good fun, but I would also urge you to consider all the aspects of someone’s life and situation you may not know before jumping to a conclusion about what kind of person they are. With that in mind, I am unashamed to announce that I put my hand on my boyfriend’s chest in photos, but only because that’s where his penis is located.
There are plenty of stereotypes about women who put their hands on their partner’s chest in pictures: people assume it’s possessive or all for show, but I couldn’t care less. When I perch my delicate hand upon Ethan’s chest I’m not doing it to “mark my territory”, I’m doing it to give him the security and support of having his junk gently held, plus a little modesty since most shirts aren’t designed with the penis-chested in mind.
I write this today for all the times I don’t have the opportunity to explain my hand positioning. I write for every birthday, anniversary, or vacation Instagram where I’d rather just let the world know I’m always having the time of my life with this guy than write a lengthy post detailing my boyfriend’s rare but ultimately rewarding, innovation-inducing penis placement. I don’t owe anyone an explanation, plus Ethan asked me to stop doing that.
I know a lot of people will have intrusive follow up questions such as “is what you’re claiming medically possible?”, “Does he have to wear a penis bra?”, and “Why are you touching your boyfriend’s dick in photos anyway?” And the answers are none of your business, none of your business, and because I want to.
So next time you go to judge someone for this totally inoffensive photo pose, ask yourself if it’s possible you’re not seeing the full picture. And even if there’s not more than meets eye, try to withhold cruel thoughts. Maybe some people just like putting their hand on their boyfriend’s chest. I mean, it’s fucking weird, but not everyone can be like me and Ethan. Ethan has a penis on his chest.
