The line outside a popular coffee shop’s bathroom was inspired and full of hope last week after a 30-year old Jennifer Saltzman informed everyone that the toilet was already clogged before she used it.
Aw! Faith in humanity restored!
Saltzman spent between three and four minutes in the restroom before emerging bravely and triumphantly to let everyone in the eight-person line know that the toilet was definitely clogged when she got in there and that she definitely didn’t clog it but watch out because it is for sure clogged but not because of her.
“I just wanted the people to know what to expect,” said the modest Saltzman. “It wasn’t a big thing for me, I just wanted to make sure everyone knew that yes, the toilet was clogged, but it absolutely wasn’t by me. I didn’t even pee and I definitely didn’t poop. I mean I would never. Me? Poop? Into a toilet? Haha, never.”
The thoughtful Saltzman was quick to politely shut down those who wanted to call you a hero. “I’m not a hero,” she said. “And any of you would do the same if you also hadn’t clogged that toilet.”
“It was one of those moments where you think, ‘I guess mankind is gonna be okay after all,” says Carl Jordan, who was in the line behind Jennifer. “You don’t want to be waiting in line for a clogged toilet! That woman was very brave to let us know what we were facing. And braver still for letting us know that she wasn’t the one who beefed up the shitter.”
Jennifer took her inspiring and helpful message one step further by walking down the line and looking each person in the eye individually to inform them that she wasn’t the one who amplified the problem by shoving a whole roll of toilet paper into the bowl. Nor had she attempted to flush so many times that the toilet water had cascaded onto the floor, taking a healthy dose of floating shit particles with it.
“It simply wasn’t me who shit so big the toilet not only clogged but also tried to cough the shit back up,” Saltzman reiterated for the hundredth time, “I actually just entered the bathroom, and then stood there for four minutes staring at the clog thinking, ‘whoever did this must be so embarrassed and humiliated but it wasn’t me.’”
Those who witnessed the clogged toilet said it “looked and smelled like a crime scene,” and suspected that “the man or beast who did it will likely never show his face around here again.”
“I’m just really glad I could help so many people today,” said Saltzman as she left the café. “If you’ll excuse me, I just kind of have been having stomach issue so I’m going to find a bathroom to pee in.”
