In a pathetic story out of Brooklyn, NY, 22-year-old Briana Maxwell has given up on curating her own music taste and has instead stolen it from one cool coffee shop around the corner from her home.
Briana refuses to disclose the name of the coffee shop but insists the baristas who choose the music really know what they’re doing.
“No one was ever really into my rotation of Pitbull, Katy Perry, and all the other Top 40 artists from 2013, so I had to get serious and work on my playlists,” Briana told reporters. “Why find music on my own when I could let someone else do the heavy lifting and just reap the benefits?”
Briana’s neighbors used to issue noise complaints, but once she started going to [redacted], they asked her to turn up the music.
“LCD Soundsystem, Diet Cig, Radiator Hospital: if the band name is an inanimate object or two words that seem unrelated, you know it’s good,” said Briana. “At least, that’s what I’m gleaning from their public playlist called ‘Monday Morning Vibes’ that I just saved.”
Briana reportedly asked one barista to see the playlist they were using, then proceeded to copy and paste every song into her own playlist, entitled “Songs I Found Organically and Love.”
Now, when someone asks where she heard a particular song, Briana says “Ummm” for an uncomfortably long time and then mumbles an unintelligible string of words.
“I don’t want them stealing my music,” she said, “even if it was 100% stolen from someone else.”
Reporters tried to ask follow-up questions, but Briana interrupted, “Can you guys actually be quiet for a sec? I’m Shazam-ing.”
When a passerby asked if she was Shazam-ing, Briana quickly hid the phone and replied, “No. You are. Shut up.”
