When 27-year-old Elise Baird accidentally interrupted her coworker during a Zoom meeting this week, she was expecting to feel a little guilty. However, the hammer of justice came down a bit harder than anticipated, with her ultimate sentence being four grueling sleepless nights.
“I do feel like I was punished a bit unfairly,” Baird told reporters. “I apologized immediately and profusely after I interrupted my coworker, and even went so far as to message them after the meeting being like, ‘I’m the biggest buffoon on the face of the planet, if you wanted to run me through with a sword you’d have every right.’ They declined, so I don’t understand why others still feel the need to dole out punishment on their behalf.”
Baird clarified that by “others” she meant herself and her “sadistic, shame-loving freak of a brain.”
“Yeah, it’s an entirely self-inflicted punishment,” Baird explained. “But that doesn’t make it any less real, or less cruel. I’m not in control of how I think, feel, or treat myself, so this punishment still came as a complete shock. Yes, I’m in therapy. No, it’s not working.”
“I even tried to convince myself to soften the sentencing by thinking about all the times I was a good person, but it didn’t work. My brain is equipped with an extensive catalog of every bad thing I’ve ever done in case I ever start to show myself too much grace. Now, I can’t stop thinking about the time I was playing the radio in my car so loud I didn’t hear the ambulance behind me. Somebody probably died that day because of me. And, yep, my sentencing just increased to six sleepless nights and two cringes of remembrance.”
Baird’s coworkers were also surprised by the sentencing, confirming that they all really like her, think she’s pleasant to work with, and consider her an overall good person. However, their kind words did nothing to quell the sleep-deprived look of self-reproach blooming in Baird’s eyes.
“I’m only on night two of no sleep,” she said. “I still need to brood over this incident for 48 more uninterrupted hours before I can finally make tenuous peace with myself and my god.”
