After several pregnancy tests and over three months with no period in sight, Jennie Hong took extreme measures this week and put on her finest pair of lace underwear in order to lure her period out of her body.
“I tried getting sleep, eating better, and exercising, but nothing worked,” says Jennie, who is currently leaking ever so slightly onto her next-best pair of sexy underwear. “I even tried meditation and acupuncture, but nothing did the trick as quickly as slipping on my one $75 pair of dry clean-only La Perla underwear.”
Just four hours after putting on her favorite sexy pair, Jennie’s period came in a sudden and unavoidable rush.
“People kept telling me this was my body’s way of saying something needs to change,” Jennie adds. “And they were right: I needed to change right out of my gross period underwear that came in a six-pack from Target and into something beautiful, expensive and handmade that my body could ruin in 30 seconds or less.”
Jennie encourages other women who face irregular and infrequent periods to invest in at least one high-quality, easily ruined pair of underwear to make it happen. The trick, according to Hong, is to find a pair so delicate that even the slightest leak will force you buy a new pair at a Duane Reade so you can change into them in a Starbucks bathroom.
“Irregular periods are actually very common,” says gynecologist Gina Papadopoulos. “And while we recommend living a healthy lifestyle and minimizing stress as much as possible, some women may need to blow a perfectly good pair of underwear to really draw it out.”
In addition to donning your best pair of panties, Dr. Papadopoulos also recommends standing in public for a very long time, entering important meetings and family events, and wearing white shorts or dresses to help get your cycle back on track.
“The female body is so mysterious and strange,” says Jennie. “But once you accept that it’s basically always working against you, life really does become so much easier.”