Woman is ‘Excited, But Who Knows’

After landing her dream job at a major publication, recent college graduate Jessica Feldman has been inundated with texts, emails, and phone calls applauding her huge achievement. When asked about how she felt about this major milestone, Feldman exclaimed, “I am excited, but who knows!”


Feldman just graduated magna cum laude from Brown, where professors describe her as “a shining star, worthy of really any writing job.” Yet despite this and the fact that she’s signed a two-year contract with a company buy-in, Feldman is insistent that “you can never be too sure” and that “…things can always change, ya know?”


Feldman’s mother, Susan, supports her daughter’s unnecessary modesty.


“Jessica has always excelled at everything she’s set her mind to,” said Mrs. Feldman. “But I raised my daughter to spend her life waiting for the other shoe to drop. So of course, we are all very happy for Jessica. But it remains to be seen!”


Jessica’s friends are a little miffed with her tepid response.


“I just wish she would say, ‘Yeah, I’m so excited and grateful,’” said Jessica’s college classmate. “It’s false modesty. There’s literally nothing to ‘see’ or ‘know.’ She already signed the contract and it’s really fucking irritating to everyone around her.”


But in a job market that is so unsteady, Feldman fears that any sort of outright acceptance of her hard-won accomplishment could have disastrous effects.



“I don’t want people to think I’m being cocky,” she says. “Not my friends, or my coworkers, or the people at my next job that I’ll be interviewing for in case this doesn’t work out. I guess I’m a bit of a people pleaser.”


Meanwhile, Jessica’s boyfriend, Jacob, was abruptly hired as an analyst at a top firm when he went in to drop off a Postmates order, and Jessica couldn’t have been prouder.


“He’s just such a great asset to the company. It was really a no-brainer,” she says.


“I wasn’t even looking for a job,” added Jacob. “But this should be sick. I’m gonna crush it. What’s an analyst again?”