Houston native Theresa Driscoll may have just broken a record for obsessive crush-fueled speculation: The 28-year-old has a total of 57 psychological theories about a guy who ultimately just sucks.
Who is the young man who has dominated the majority of Driscoll’s thoughts and conversations over the past few months? His name is Drew Page, he’s 25, and he loves tacos and air hockey. He and Driscoll have been dating on and off for almost a year, but every time she asks how he feels about her and their relationship, he says something that is somehow both encouraging and noncommittal.
Being stuck in relationship limbo for such a long time has given Driscoll plenty of time to wildly speculate about Page’s personality and mental health. The majority of Driscoll’s diagnoses come from stuff she kind of remembers from the one psych class she took in college, stuff her friends kind of remember from the one psych class each of them took in college, and verywellmind.com.
“I wish he would just tell me how he feels,” says Driscoll. “That would mean a lot less work for me.”
A small sampling of the psychological theories Driscoll is confident Page has includes an avoidant attachment style, an anxious attachment style, narcissistic personality disorder, paranoid personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, issues related to his Myers Briggs type, issues relating to his Enneagram type, mommy issues, panic attacks, and kleptomania.
We reached out to an actual psychologist, Avery Lamott to see if any of Driscoll’s theories hold water, giving her a list of symptoms that Driscoll provided. “Lack of commitment, he never returned her blender he borrowed, and he sends random “hey cutie” texts at 1 AM but then doesn’t reply to the response?” she read.
“This is a textbook example of a shitty dude,” Lamott says.
While Driscoll has cumulatively spent eight days worrying and talking about Page, he, in turn, has this to say about her; “she’s pretty chill I guess.”
Driscoll says she plans to continue communicating with Page (when his air hockey schedule allows), but she is seriously considering giving him an ultimatum if he doesn’t get his act together in the next eight to twelve months. “At this point, I’m not even sure if I still like him, or if I’m just addicted to trying to solve his personality! Haha, oh well!”