While 28-year-old Brooklyn resident Carla Reeves has always harbored a fantasy of one day leading a slow life in a dreamy pastoral cottage, she wants to make it clear that, at this point, she would absolutely settle for something akin to the Unabomber’s shed as well.
“Yeah, a worn but well-loved cottage overlooking a sprawling plain is the dream,” Carla told reporters. “But, if I’m being honest, I’ve gotten to the point where a root cellar in the remote woods outside Lincoln, Montana would definitely do the trick, too.”
Sources close to Carla say they’re worried about the direction her visions of her dream life have taken as of late.
“When she was a kid, she used to draw these beautiful depictions of a lovely little cottage on a hill, with the caption, ‘One Day,’” Carla’s mom told reporters. “Now, she’ll send me these rudimentary sketches of a shed containing nothing but a cot, workbench, and what appears to be all the ingredients needed to make a bomb, with the caption, ‘idk maybe??’ I’m starting to get a little worried about her.”
When asked why her standards for her dream life have dropped so significantly, Carla had a lot to say.
“As you get older, life can really start to wear you down,” Carla said. “Money is tight, your plans haven’t panned out like you thought they would, there seems to be no hope for fixing the world, and you start to realize that a rustic cottage might just be a dream us city dwellers tell ourselves to help us sleep at night.”
She added, “Some people just give up on their dreams, but I’ve always been adaptable. A homey cottage in a sea of green and maybe a couple of cows or the abandoned forest dwelling of an infamous eco-fascist? It’s all the same to me.”
Carla’s mom was not as adaptable to her daughter’s life plan.
“A prairie side cottage is not the same as the Unabomber’s shed!” she said, in the midst of texting her daughter the link to Ted Kaczynski’s Wikipedia page. “What’s next? She’s going to start lamenting the industrialized state of the world and advocating for a nature-centered form of anarchism? I feel like she needs to read up on the Unabomber to fully understand how damaging his views were and how unappealing his shed would be to live in.”
At press time, after falling into a deep Wikipedia hole about the Unabomber and eco-terrorism, Carla admitted that the pastoral cottage and radical optimism might be the best path for her. She then found out that Ted Kaczynski had recently died, saying, “So he’s not going to be needing that shed, right?”
