In a story coming out of Seattle, WA, 26-year-old Kimi Lee has been on the move for as long as she can remember. Every day, her to-do list is packed to the brim, as she is a self-proclaimed mover and shaker who loves to get things done. This is precisely why she simply doesn’t have the time for edibles and always smokes weed instead.
“Time is money,” Kimi told reporters while loading grocery bags into the trunk of her car. “If you think that I’m going to twiddle my thumbs while waiting an hour for an edible to kick in, then you are sadly mistaken. I need my high like I need everything else — fast, direct, and efficient.”
Sources close to Kimi were not surprised by her attitude towards marijuana in the slightest, as she seems to always prioritize productivity over everything else.
“Kimi only smokes pre-rolled joints — she doesn’t even waste time rolling them herself,” Kimi’s friend Talulah Wilder said. “She doesn’t like bongs either because she has to spend time cleaning them, and she doesn’t like pens because she has to charge them. She’d rather do something else with that time, like checking the stock market or working on her side hustle.”
According to Kimi, this is simply the only way for her to stay committed to her hustle.
“There are two people in this world: winners and losers,” she told reporters after muting herself during a company Zoom call. “In my opinion, losers take weed gummies because they have nothing better to do, but winners suck down a joint in one sitting, get violently high, and then get right back to grinding.”
When asked if Kimi’s weed consumption hindered her productivity in any way, she was incredulous.
“I’m shocked you would even ask me that,” Kimi told reporters while simultaneously smoking a joint and filing expense reports. “Sure, when I’m sober, I always have to redo almost all of the work I did when I was high, but imagine if I had to add edible-waiting time to that equation. I would never get anything done!”
Reporters attempted to suggest that Kimi could still work through the time she was waiting for an edible to kick in, but they decided against it rather than disrupt her delicate work/weed balance.
As of press time, Kimi had replaced smoking joints with smoking cigarettes, which honestly makes way more sense.
