In a developing story out of Baltimore, 28-year-old Imani Rupert’s white friend Lauren seems mere seconds away from saying something problematic about her new lip fillers.
“My lips are so big and pillowy now,” said Lauren. “I feel so much more bodacious, like Lupita Nyong’o.”
Lauren, who is also experimenting with a new, suspiciously dark bronzer, continued to toe the line while describing her new, fuller lips.
“I’ve never felt so sexy and exotic,” said Lauren, not clarifying what she means by that. “I bet I could walk onto any professional basketball court right now and find a boyfriend.”
“Maybe I should get butt injections next!” she added, inching even closer to being outright racist.
Imani is holding her breath.
“I can just feel something problematic bubbling up,” she said. “Lauren’s, like, testing the waters with me. She’s been comparing her lip size to mine, polling me for ‘lip chap’ recommendations, asking how she’s supposed to kiss now. It’s pretty offensive.”
“I think she may honestly think she’s blacker now,” Imani added. “I don’t really know why I even hang out with her ass anymore.”
But Lauren is proud of her new, self-proclaimed “duck lips.”
“I don’t even have to pout when I take pictures anymore,” she said. “My selfie game is gonna be stronger than ever.”
“Although I am spending a lot more money on lipstick,” Lauren added. “Guess I understand the struggle of being black now!”
Sources confirm that she absolutely does not.