Hey, you, sitting there complacently: Don’t you know what time of year it is? It’s THE BEGINNING OF AUTUMN. The leaves are changing color, the scent of pumpkin spice lattes is in the air, and roughly half the population has abandoned its cream-colored trousers in recognition of the age-old sartorial rule: No White After Labor Day. WHICH SIDE ARE YOU ON?
If you dick-whisperers haven’t declared your allegiance yet, you are already losing. Should you put your white layering tanks in storage, aligning yourself with the sheep-like masses, or should you continue to sport them as a rebel, a vagrant…perhaps even a socialist? PICK A SIDE. THIS IS WAR. This is about more than clothes. It’s about individual vs. society, and your Keaton-approved button-down is an ideological choice. This is a motherfucking bloodbath, and you need to be ready.
GET DOWN! Did you see that bullet? It’s called ambivalence and it’s about to ruin your already pitiful life. Is “No White After Labor Day” a harmless piece of advice, or is it a dangerous symptom of America’s tendency to reward adherence to the status quo, no matter the cost?
No, “I don’t care” is not an option, unless you’re a spineless sheep who doesn’t care about democracy, or box pleats. This isn’t a middle school class election — it’s a matter of life and death, and you need to pick a side, because you’d better believe your daughter will notice what’s going on with your crisp blouses this fall.
If you don’t have an opinion, then you’re not exercising your right as a citizen of this great country, and you might as well be dead. And don’t think this is over, you pawns — it’s only the beginning. If you can’t make a choice now, how will you ever be able to know how early is too early to break out the down jacket?
