Everybody knows that every little girl wants to be a Disney princess. But did you know that every boyfriend would prefer to be with a Disney Princess instead of you? The heart wants what it wants, and the fact that Disney princesses are not real people has nothing to do with it. So the next time your boyfriend seems distant, see if you can figure out which of these cartoon fantasy women your man yearns for:
So your boyfriend is into Cinderella? Typical. Seriously, so predictable. But anyway, Cinderella believes that wishes come true, and she is nice to everybody, especially mice. So if Cinderella is what your man wants, try going to church a lot and getting a couple of pet rats. That ought to light his fire. Also wear glass shoes.
It’s pretty convenient that her name means “beauty.” So the first thing you need to do is change your name to “Gorgeous.” You can keep your last name. Belle likes to read and enjoys thinking about theoretical adventures that she might never have because she lives with a monster. So here’s what you do: Get some glasses and watch a couple of National Geographic documentaries, tell your man that he’s conventionally unattractive but has a beautiful soul, and watch him grovel at your feet, begging to be your love slave. He needs to be with someone who accepts him no matter what – like, no matter what.
This one is difficult because Ariel is half-fish, but don’t give up. Ariel also sings, and has red hair. So let’s break this one down: You’re definitely going to have to either learn to swim or learn to swim better than you do now. Also, get a red wig and start going to karaoke. If you can get surgery to fuse your legs together into a flipper, great! Write back and tell us what happens.
Rapunzel has really long hair, and lives in a tower where she hangs out with a chameleon. This one is easy: Get extensions and a lizard and move to a high-rise. Talk about chemistry!
Mulan is a brave Chinese woman who dresses like a man so she can fight for her country. Basically, if you’re not already Asian, all you can do here is dye your hair black and become an ultimate fighting champion. Good luck with that.
Aurora is a kind spirit who was raised by woodland fairies. This one is easy: go to Vermont and move in with three gay guys. Watch your man come running.
A lot of these princesses are sort of abstract dreamers, and Jasmine is no exception. She also has a pet tiger and wears comfortable, flowing pants. First of all, don’t get a pet tiger. Just don’t. Instead, get the fattest cat you can find, put on some sweatpants and stare out the window for hours. Your boyfriend will not know what hit him.
You have an advantage here if you’re already black. If you’re not, you sort of have a problem. But don’t give up! Tiana is an entrepreneur who wants to start a restaurant. Unlike the other princesses, she has concrete goals. She also kisses frogs. To be more like Tiana, you can start by getting a job at Blimpie’s and making eyes at earthworms. This will for sure set the stage for some hot nights!
Merida likes archery and hangs out with a horse. She also has crazy red hair and kind of a fat face. Actually, she looks like she’s 14 years old, and not necessarily in a good way. So if your boyfriend is into Merida, you probably have some thinking to do. If you decide to ignore that weirdness, though: go to a petting zoo wearing a clown wig and play some darts. Watch the sparks fly!