So you recently moved and your new place is pretty sweet. Best of all, it comes with chill and considerate roommates—or so you thought. Turns out Sarah and Deano can’t keep their mitts off your your yogurts and returning the cups with heartwarming dioramas in them. So not cool!
When your roommates replace your 2% milkfat blackberry yogurt with a scene of two artfully constructed paper-and-straw octogenarians feeding origami pigeons on a park bench, it’s time to stand up for yourself and let them know those yogurts are yours, and also you’re way too emotional to deal with these poignant scenes. Here’s how:
Attack Their Craft
Your roomies want to fill your yogurt cups with rustic scenes of two children frolicking in a meadow? Hit ‘em where it hurts: their technique. “Oh, is that a child frolicking in a meadow?” you can ask them, innocently. “I thought it was a garbage island.” When you go to your room to cry, thinking about the frolicking children, they’ll lose confidence quicker than you can think, “Mama needs her yo-yo.”
Store All Your Yogurt in Locked Tin Boxes
The cold, metallic interior of an aluminum box will make your roomies think twice about that farmer-couple-picking-apples-in-the-orchard diorama setup once they realize the whole thing’s going to look like a war scene. It’s a win-win for you: You don’t have to journal about orchards and you get your daily dose of protein via that sweet Greek treat.
Switch to Go-Gurt
Yogurt is yogurt, even when it’s neon-colored toddler goop that squirts out of a plastic tube. If you really want your roomies to keep their inner science fair to themselves, bite the bullet and slurp the ‘Gurt. Not only can they not build a diorama inside a crumpled-up shred of plastic packaging, they also won’t eat your Go-Gurt in the first place because it’s saccharine poison sludge. It’s a sacrifice, but hey, you do not need another charming diorama to remind you of how lonely you are.
Eat the Diorama
When all else fails, eat that diorama. It may feel like several small, choky objects are lodged in your esophagus, but at least you won’t have to look at that goddamn adorable miniature group of friends building a snowman together, something you never got to experience as part of your childhood. “But won’t ingesting a diorama taste awful?” Sure, but you won’t care because you’ll be so hungry from all the yogurt you’ve missed out on.
Remember, having roommates can be tricky. Especially when they’re crafty diorama-makers. But as long as you’re tactful, you can keep your dope apartment, save your yogurts, and repress that nagging suspicion that you won’t ever watch a sunset from a windmill with your partner for life.
