Sexiness is a complicated concept, so naturally we must ask as many people as possible to help us define, once and for all, what is “sexy” to them. We asked almost everyone—siblings, coworkers, transit workers, district attorneys, baristas—what they thought was sexy, but purposefully left out our moms. We did not want to know what they thought was sexy and asked them to please not share their thoughts on the matter with us because it would make us feel weird. Here’s what these moms think is sexy:
“Three words: legs, legs, legs! You should show a little more leg, honey. You got my legs, thank God. One of my old boyfriends, Benny Vingiano—I told you about him—he’d go all loony tunes anytime my skirt rode up past my knee. What a horndog! He’s dead now.” –Paula R., 68, Woodhaven, NY
“I don’t like those high-waisted jeans. Not sexy. It’s just looks like you don’t know how to dress yourself. No, I’m just saying it looks like that, honey! Don’t get all politically correct on me.” –Bethany T., 52, Watertown, MA
“Since you left for college, your father and I have started doing ‘role-playing’ to spice things up in the bedroom and, I gotta say, your dad makes a pretty stern warden! I know you don’t like to hear about that stuff, but it is pretty sexy, excuse my language! Also you got a letter here from the bank and I opened it; it’s on your bed.” –Laura, 57, Oakland, CA
“Who’s that actress I like? Oh yes, Catherine Zeta Jones!!! I just watched that new Chicago movie with Sharon and she’s just a sexy little firecracker, isn’t she? Do you think I should go blonde again? And don’t say you don’t care.” –Linda O., 59, Wilmington, NC
“Everybody is sexy if they use protection! I know that some people don’t like to use condoms, so I bought you some diaphragms. Do you know how to use them? Would you like me to show you? Come into the bathroom, and bring a hand mirror.” –Evelyn D., 50, West Palm Beach, FL
“Sexy? Who cares about sexy! Just be yourself! And maybe put on a little lipstick—sometimes it looks like you’re not trying at all. I worry about you.” –Sarah L., 53, Orange County, CA
“If you undo another button on your blouse, you’ll have so many boyfriends you won’t know what to do with them! That’s how I reeled your father in. He’s a certified boob-man. You know, you should really call him more often. He feels very isolated now that he’s consulting full-time..” –Regina Z., 60, Philadelphia, PA
Blech! It’s hard to know how to be sexy and, whether you ask or not, you can always count on a detailed opinion from moms. Next time, we’ll be asking them not to participate in a survey about hookup culture, and we will share their resulting thinkpieces. And remember: Once you turn 50, your sexuality must never be mentioned again. So don’t ever do that! Stay sexy!
