Unfounded Scientific Studies Now Responsible For 90% Of What Becca Eats

According to reports, 32-year-old Becca Lochner is no longer eating tomatoes, or any tomato-based products, the latest decision in a string of misinformed nutritional choices based on unfounded studies cited in various blogs.


“I read somewhere that tomatoes are really acidic and so is your stomach acid and so together can actually like, erode your stomach lining,” Lochner explains. “So I’m giving up tomatoes and everyone else should too.”


Friends are frustrated, as Lochner is known for making concrete dietary choices on pieces of scientific hearsay and unregulated blog posts.


“She does absolutely no fact checking,” friend Liv Whalen says. “She just finds these random blogs online and takes them as fact.”


In addition to tomatoes, Lochner refuses to eat shellfish, soybeans, red meat, ginger, eggs, milk, peaches, wheat, mushrooms, carrots, jelly beans (“I just think those are gross”), potatoes, maple syrup, red onions, arugula, quinoa, and cane sugar.


“I’ve always been really in tune with my body,” Lochner shares. “And I knew when I read this blog post about the negative energies associated with shellfish that I needed to stay away.”



Lochner has always been intrigued by food intolerances, but once she started doing her own “research” is when things really started to get out of control. Those close to Lochner have noticed her fondness for baseless nutritional clickbait.


“One day at lunch I was eating carrots and she asked me if I had ever heard about the link between carrots and brain cancer,” notes coworker Melanie Gladowski. “Obviously, there is no link. But try to tell Becca that.”


Lochner hopes that one day she will be able to sustain herself on a plant-based diet, given that “none of the plants have been contaminated with sulfates or carrageenan or Zika.”


There is no link between Zika virus and a plant-based diet, but experts presume that Lochner may have confused a few articles she saw on The Weather Channel’s home page.