It feels like only yesterday we were sweating in our summer clothes, but it’s time to get serious about what we’ll be sweating in come October. How will we do it? Big-ass coats. Here’s why:
You can shoplift in a big-ass coat.
You might be thinking, “But I can already shoplift using the coat that I have.” Well, can you steal another coat under your current coat? I didn’t think so. Your tiny-ass coat doesn’t hold a candle to a big-ass wool coat with pockets on the inside.
You can hoard animals in your big-ass coat.
Pulling feral cats out of your clothing was once only for the vagrant and deranged. But with all that extra room, you can rescue several strays at a time, and nobody will know that you’ve got 18 cats in there.
You can smuggle drugs in a big-ass coat.
We’ve all seen those lumbering tree trunks that claim to be people who didn’t realize there was ten kilos of cocaine strapped to their thighs and midriff. A well-curated, big-ass coat will provide the coverage that your controlled substances need to get past airport security—and make you look cool as hell while committing your felony.
Try a fun prank with your big-ass coat.
Whether you’re looking to reveal your genitals in front of a playground—or if you’re just two kids dressing up as an adult man, a gigantic trench is the perfect way to add a splash of drama to or suspense to your favorite prank.
Enact Jihad with that big-ass coat.
Would the underwear bomber have risked blowing off his nuts if he was hip to street style? Probably, but that doesn’t mean he couldn’t get season-specific with the coat used to hide his face on the perp walk to Guantanamo. This one isn’t super necessary if you’re just hangin’ around in your big-ass coat.
Now pull out your style agenda and pencil in some quality time with your new, big-ass coat.