It’s summer! Time to hit the beach, the park, and that summer music festival. You’ve got sunscreen and wet wipes to carry, but who wants a big clunky purse weighing them down during those sundrenched days and steamy nights? Here’s a list of great little bags for summer that you can carry hands-free—up your ass!
The Graduated Cylinder Bag (Marc by Marc Jacobs, $120)
This hip homage to chemistry class packs in plenty of loot in a tight space. Just roll your cash around that lip balm and slip the whole thing down the tube. It can even carry an extra pair of undies, just in case the night gets crazy! With its flared bottom and smooth sides, it makes for a supremely easy insertion. This sleek little beauty may just become your go-to ass-purse of the summer!
The Bullet Bag (Longchamp, price upon request)
Adored and coveted for their sturdy simplicity and functionality, these summery Longchamp bags take a cue from the medical world with a bullet shape inspired by medicinal enemas. With its streamlined look and slick surface, the bullet slides easily into even the most tender of buttholes and rests firmly just inside the sphincter until you need it. You’ll feel secure knowing that everything you need is safely out of sight, but just within arm’s reach. You’ll never lug around a bulky clutch again!
The Balloon Satchel (Kate Spade, $650)
Kate Spade is now using the expandable latex technology, long popular among international drug smugglers, to create fabulous tiny purses that carry everything a woman needs for a night out. Available in a range of playful colors, the balloon satchel can grow to accommodate your needs, but keep in mind that since it is swallowed then passed through the digestive tract to be retrieved out of your butthole up to a day later, it’s important to plan ahead and pack only what you need. Now chase that balloon down with a shot of vodka and get ready to party!
The Bead Bag (Karl Lagerfeld, $2,160)
Long known for his fascination with the marriage of fashion and fetish, Lagerfeld found the perfect expression for his artistic vision with this string of plastic balls. Each bead opens to reveal a tiny compartment to stash everything you need for the day, from salt and pepper to extra SD cards for your phone! Because the balls are individually detachable, the anal bead bag can be customized to meet your unique rectal needs. Just pull it out far enough to retrieve the necessary item, then slip it back into place. This one looks and feels good. Ooh la la, Mr. Lagerfeld!
This summer, free up your hands for the important things, like slathering suntan lotion on your manservant, and leave the heavy lifting to your butthole!
