In a classic example of throwing stones from glass houses, 24-year-old Maddie Highland just said, “This Sprite would kill a Victorian-era child,” which is just interesting considering she would die without modern antidepressants.
The incident began when Maddie and her friend, Tiana Woods, went to a local burger place and ordered a Sprite and a Coke, respectively. While eating their burgers, they joked that the drinks alone would kill a Victorian child, and the burger would “finish the job if necessary.” The two then laughed and laughed, as if they’re not both barely kept alive by modern SSRIs as it is.
“If a kid from the late 1800s took a sip of this thing, his brain would probably explode,” Maddie laughed, as if she doesn’t experience “brain zaps” every time she doesn’t fill her Zoloft prescription. “A french fry? Yeah, that’d kill him for sure!”
Contrary to Maddie’s belief, reporters deduced that a Victorian child would likely survive an encounter with Sprite, but the same may not be true if Maddie were to encounter Victoria-era medicine.
“First of all, if they learned she was depressed, they would try to kill her with rocks,” said local researcher Orion Greer, who refused to provide any identification or credentials. “If that didn’t work, they’d probably send her to the seaside until the ‘hysterics’ subsided. Maybe they’d try bloodletting with some leeches, and then who knows? But yeah, her odds would not be good.”
As far as the Victorian children go, sources confirm they seemed pretty resilient.
“Considering they spent the majority of their lives in the mines, I feel like they could probably handle a drink that’s been approved by the FDA,” Orion continued. “If anything, it would be more sugar than they’d had in their lives, but that can only be a positive I assume.”
Maddie and Tiana were busy taking a smoke break at this point and laughing about the feeble bodies of Victorian-era children, as if those kids could not smoke the girls under the table by age nine.
As of press time, the group came to one shared conclusion: Whether Sprite would kill a Victorian child, it was undeniable that Zoloft would do them wonders.
“If I’m working from 6am to 8pm, maybe throw in a S.A.D. lamp, too,” Maddie admitted.
