Bonjour! It’s me, a French woman. People are always asking me and the other femmes for our secrets on everything, from how we date to how we don’t get fat. But so far, no one’s asked moi about how to live with an illegal number of cats. Porquoi? Owning a few too many les chats noires shouldn’t stop you from living with glamour and panache. Follow these tips to turn merde into merci!
Stay hydrated. I always drink a tall glass of warm water mixed with cat urine first thing every morning. That’s why our skin has such a jolie glow! Historical fact: Marie Antoinette requested a glass on the guillotine so that, quote, “my severed head will look beautiful when Monsieur Chat begins to feast upon it.” Ah, l’amour!
Wear a capsule wardrobe. This means to stick to a few essential pieces and never buy new clothes, ever, even when those pesky social workeurs encourage you to clean out your hovel. Stick to a few key colors that go well with cat hair, like noir and l’urine.
Create exercise. Scooping kitty litter is so much more than shoveling feline feces. It effortlessly engages your core muscles, which is why I am so effortlessly fit while eating whatever I want. Clean at least one of your dozen litter boxes every week, and you’ll see how we French women stay so slim without ever setting foot in une gym!
Eat the finest foods every day. We French people don’t tuck away our fine foods just for special days. Why use fattening American cat food when you have Royal Canin Intense Hairball Formula on hand? In France, we have a saying: “It is not just on special occasions that one should prevent hairballs.” C’est vrai!
Appreciate art. It is très important to stay culturally attuned to the artists of our day! We French women feast our eyes on art and beauty every day. Make sure you can distinguish between such chat-lebrities as Grumpy Cat, Maru, and Lil Bub.
Keep the mystery alive. Part of what gives us French women our je ne sais quoi is our secrecy. If a new lover visits your flat and asks your cat’s name, simply put on a floppy hat and murmur, “Oh, is there a cat here?” He’ll see you’re delusional, perhaps, but he’ll know you have class. C’est manifique!
Remember: being French is so much more than class. It’s a feeling, like when you find a dead bird in your bed or watch your cat pee angrily on your effortless wool cape. Carry that feeling with you, and I guarantee people will wonder, “Is she French?”
