27-year-old Melissa Sánchez has seen it all. Coming from a household where both of her parents are certified survival specialists, she’s always had a knack for learning survival techniques. However, instead of using these skills to find her way out of an avalanche or hunt and kill her own food, Melissa is most adept at walking into a space and immediately finding all of the bathrooms she can discreetly take a shit in.
Okay, Katniss Everqueen!
“When I tell people that I’m great at scanning a room and identifying all of the safe spots, they usually think I’m talking about the exits to use in case there’s a threat in the building,” Melissa told reporters. “But no, I’m actually horrible at that. I’m great, however, at pointing out every single-stall bathroom that is isolated from high-traffic areas in any given space to drop a Lincoln Log or two in.”
Despite the reporters’ disgust, Melissa continued expanding on her tactical talents.
“People think seeking out all of the hiding places, weapons, and pathways in a building is going to save them,” she explained. “And sure, that might help, but it’s dangerous to put all of your attention on those aspects of safety. Survival is obviously important, but what’s even more important is finding exactly where you can do a number two, or even three, without anyone in the vicinity noticing.”
Slay! We love a private poop professional!
Melissa’s friends have also attested to her high level of skill when it comes to scoping out bathrooms to take a shit in.
“I was actually at my workplace with Melissa when a tornado struck our office building,” Melissa’s former coworker, Alexis Wiley, told reporters. “It was terrifying. Neither of us knew what to do, so we both just tried to weather the storm as best as we could. Then, after it finally passed, Melissa said she ‘really had to drop a deuce after all that stress’ and told me she was going to head to the bathroom by the elevators. I didn’t even know we had one there!”
Wow! Not only is she knowledgeable, she’s generous enough to share her wisdom with others!
However, Melissa’s expertise unfortunately comes at a price.
“Sometimes I wish I could just sit back, relax, and not have to worry about all of the different bathrooms where someone could pick up on the fact that you’re dropping a big one practically right in front of them,” Melissa told reporters, who still couldn’t believe she was so concerned about this. “But I can’t. After all, great power comes with great responsibility. I’m basically the Spiderman of bathrooms.”
Okay, girl! Sure!
