On Hobby Lobby Ruling, Supreme Court Justices Bribed with Lifetime Supply of Fake Flowers

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Following the narrow ruling rejecting the mandate to pay for employee contraceptives on the grounds of religious freedom, Supreme Court justices were granted a lifetime supply of fake flowers from the family-owned Christian corporation, Hobby Lobby.


While he claims to have no knowledge of the gift prior to the ruling, conservative Justice Scalia was delighted nonetheless when an adorable wreath arrived at his door this afternoon.


“I make a lot of difficult decisions every day,” Scalia notes. “But saying ‘yes’ to a lifetime supply of fake flowers? The easiest decision I’ve ever made.”


Clarence Thomas agreed: “No moral or legal quandary even holds a candle to the year-round pleasures of a beautiful summer bouquet that lasts all year long.”


While Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg argued that the ruling would “deny legions of women access to contraceptive coverage,” she does admit, “They did order the nice silk flowers, not the cheap plastic ones. Maybe I should’ve reconsidered my vote.”



After the ruling, five out of nine justices agreed that it really puts a face to a corporation when they send you flowers full of endless crafting and decorative possibilities.


“I realize we’ve opened a real can of worms for the lower courts,” said Justice Samuel Alito, “but a lifetime’s worth of fake flowers? Would you turn down a lifetime supply of fake flowers?”


“I didn’t think so.”