In a shocking new study conducted by Stanford University, it appears that every friend you have has officially reached the age where they can no longer help you move.
“This report caught us all by surprise,” says research lead, Dr. Leandra Johnson. “It felt like just yesterday John was helping you lift your TV up five flights of stairs and Michelle had no problem driving your U-Haul, but that was actually ten years ago, and now they both have full-time jobs.”
This morning when you asked 10 different friends to help you move, most of them replied that they either had to take their kids to a doctor’s appointment, had to go into the office, or they just sent you a direct link to a moving company’s website.
“Not to mention all of them have, give-or-take, six different complex health problems,” Dr. Johnson said, “which would all prevent everyone from lifting more than 10 pounds for over 10 minutes.”
You even texted your friend, Keisha, who does Crossfit, thinking that they would be up to the task, but they couldn’t make it either because they were too busy getting married that day.
The study also found that some of your friends could’ve helped you move if you asked about three years ago, but now they have children, jobs, and mortgages to pay.
“If you wanted to move, you should have done it when none of your friends had back problems yet,” Dr. Johnson reported. “Honestly, bad move on your part.”
Researchers at Stanford also found that you’re just going to have to spend money on a moving service, and that this is what life is just like now.
“If you really want to get someone to help you move for just some pizza and a beer, then you’re gonna have to befriend more people in their early twenties,” Dr. Johnson told us. “But we would strongly advise against this for mental health reasons.”
