You’re a good person and like to make others happy, which is why you’re about to have pity sex. Just because you’re pretty sure this guy will be dead or homeless within a year doesn’t mean you need to make it so obvious that he’s a charity case. Here are some helpful tips to make it seem like he’s doing you a favor:
- Be super critical of yourself. Gab away about your fat thighs, small eyes, and undiagnosed learning disability. The only reading you do is the burger joint menu! By pointing out all of your faults, he’ll feel better about his own laundry list of shortcomings.
- Say you’re a virgin. Claim you’re desperate to swipe your “v-card,” and that he’s your last hope. This will make it seem less weird that he’s 45 and lives in his grandma’s basement and you are actually his last shot at a normal life. He won’t be able to tell you’re not a virgin based on the three times he’s had sex in his life. Plus, he’ll be the talk of Monday morning’s IT department coffee break!
- Bring up your terrible exes. Leave a photo album filled with convicted serial killers and homosexual celebrities open on your coffee table. Claim that they’re all your exes. He’ll feel proud of himself for finding a lady who has made as many mistakes as him. He probably won’t hit you up for a second tryst, which will allow that sack of psoriasis to think he’s the one who pulled one over. This self-esteem boost will come in handy for him during his upcoming graffiti trial.
- Be disgusting. Let her rip, girl! Belch at dinner, toot your way through the movie, and let a juicy booger dangle from your nose during foreplay. He’ll feel like the bigger man for overlooking your grossness (and you’ll feel great about how much he still wants it—you must be one hot piece of ass!). Be sure to leave at least a small poop skid on the sheets after you do the deed.
- Mix alcohol and prescription anxiety meds. Even if you can’t make it seem like this isn’t a blatant pity fuck, you can at least ensure you don’t remember it. Only eat a side salad for dinner, and follow it up with a few Long Island Iced Teas and a handful of Xanax. The next day will be a clean slate, and he’ll just think you’re “damaged.” Be careful about this one: He may end up wanting to take care of you.
After it’s all over, pat yourself on the back. Maybe you’re not Mother Teresa, but a good deed is a good deed all the same. Just remember to use protection—you don’t want any accidental monster babies on account of all that exposure to Accutane and model airplane glue!
