School’s Insanely Detailed Prom Dress Code Has a Seven-Page Foreword By Kate’s Mom

Students at Wesleyan Academy in Bloomington, Illinois, are being forced to comply with the school’s new Prom Dress Code, written by PTA president and Kate’s mom, Jillian March.


The 25-page document contains 17 pages devoted to girls, one page devoted to young men, and the first seven pages comprised of a lengthy introduction to stress the importance of proper dress etiquette to all of the students.


“Prom has changed over the years and I felt the need to express my concerns and experience,” says Mrs. March. “I’m not trying to be ‘that mom.’ I just think prom will be more fun if the boys can focus on being gentlemen and the girls don’t tempt them. I also wanted to share my personal experience through a beautiful yet poignant preamble.”


“We appreciate Mrs. March for volunteering to do this,” says Principal Margret O’ Shull, who allowed Kate’s Mom to compose the dress code. “Last year someone wasn’t wearing a bra and it caused a big stir.”


The prologue opens with the Cambridge English definition of prom, which means a formal dance, and a brief history dating back to the 19th century where prom was considered to be a formal ball catered to the upper class. Kate’s Mom devotes much of the rest of the preamble to her 1985 prom experience.


“I didn’t need to show navel or cleavage to have a good time,” reads an excerpt. “We were just good kids looking for some clean fun.”


Members of the senior class are outraged that Kate’s mom is once again meddling in their business.


“Kate’s Mom ruined my life so many times and now she’s going to ruin my prom,” says Rachel Clements, a senior who was called out by Kate’s Mom for wearing a “too revealing” workout top at Field Day. “She’s everything I hate in a mother.”



Kate March has yet to comment on her mother’s actions, but students believe Kate may be involved.


“We know she told her mom about the party we had a Jared Holcombe’s house last December,” says Senior Class President Alison Dent. “I wouldn’t be surprised if she did something stupid like telling her prom was coming up.”


In addition to the mandatory attire, Kate’s Mom is also facilitating chaperones to be at various after prom parties just to make sure everything else fucking sucks too.