Roast a Chicken to Make Him Park His Dick For Life

When you’ve decided you’re ready to lock it down for good, nothing’s more delicious and effective than the “engagement chicken” recipe. It’s exactly what it sounds like—a roast chicken so irresistible he’ll want to drop a knee right this fucking instant. He’ll wanna marry the shit out of you, just to get more of that chicken. Trust us—it all checks out. This is the outcome you desire: an eternal man slave to your chicken-roasting ways. Ah yes, it’ll work out perfectly. Here’s how to get that wang to follow you around until it withers away and dies.



1 whole chicken

½ cup of lemon juice + all the other lemons you can find

Salt and pepper

All the butter. Don’t fucking skimp.

Fresh herbs (rosemary, thyme, parsley, sage obvs)


Step 1: Find a chicken that’s fine as hell. If your man’s a 5, the chicken must be a 10/10, would bang. He can be a bottle of Axe body spray with opinions for all we know, but the bird better be fucking flawless. Try tracking down some organic little bird from that fancy butcher you never go to. He’ll want it in his mouth more than he wants to carefully consider committing to a future with you.



Step 2: Clean out the chicken, pluck any loose feathers, and make sure the hole is clean. You want this chicken porno-level smooth. This chicken needs to turn off all the rational areas of his brain and turn on all the cave-brain yes-zones. This chicken is sending him out to buy a ring he can’t return. Ohhhh, chicky chicky chicky… that’s goooood.


Step 3: Take a shitload of lemons and place them inside the chicken. As many as you can fit! Right now, you might be thinking of things you could be doing instead to get your man to propose to you but if you’ve got no citrus flavor you get nothing. Keep your eyes on the prize and zest this bitch.


Step 4: Oil up that avian body with a stick of butter, slipping some pats right up under the skin. If you have any more butter, put it anywhere in there, where it’ll whisper promises to your man of his buttery future.


What’s that? You don’t want to do this anymore? You feel dirty? Too late. The power of the engagement chicken recipe has already been unleashed. You must finish what you started. Don’t mess with chicken magicks you can’t understand.



Step 5: Roast until it’s golden brown and the skin is crispy and hella sexy. Cooking takes time, but try to hurry because both you and the chicken are getting older by the second. Tattoo that on your soul for later.


Step 6: Slice it up and pour the roasting pan juices over the chicken—get it really, really wet because that shit’s hot AF. When he tastes this, he will want to get you pregnant. Forever.


The procedure is complete. Light some candles and just let that chicken chill in the oven for 20 minutes until your man walks in. He is helpless now. Once he gets his mouth on this, his dick is parked in your pussy garage for the foreseeable future. Congrats! You just bought that dick for life.