Recipes That Are Missing the Instruction ‘Call Your Mom Scream-Crying’

It’s that time of year where you try to get into making delicious recipes for the holidays! Here are some of the best recipes to try up until the point where you question all of your abilities and judgment and call your mom to scream-cry to her for a while.


Coconut Almond Muffins

Coconut Almond Muffins are a great way to pack some extra nutrients into your treat and still enjoy it. It’s weird because this recipe you found online doesn’t say at what point you are supposed to call your mom and blame her for never having taught you how to cook, even though you know she tried many times and you always told her to “stop being annoying.” Do you wait until you’re done mixing the dry part to apologize to her and then ask for her help and then tell her you love her? Or do you do that before you mix? This recipe is clearly incomplete!


Caramelized Apricot and Ricotta Upside Down Cake

This recipe is delicious, flavorful, and nearly impossible to make without messing it up in a weird, fucked up way. Like, you won’t ruin it completely, but you will mess it up somehow. You followed the instructions carefully, but nowhere in the there does it say, “Yell at Siri to call your mom, but when Siri messes up, pick up your phone with your messy hands and call your mom in such hysterics that she can’t understand you.” Maybe you should send a note to the editor to make sure that’s included?


Deviled Eggs

You’re in the mood to make that simple, savory delight just like grandma used to make when she didn’t feel like doing too much for potlucks. What grandma never told you is that you’ll barely get past the hard-boiling portion of the recipe before you call your mom and tell her you’re never cooking anyway and maybe you’re just going to move home because the world is too overwhelming. It doesn’t matter anyway because you have already cried too many tears into the yolk mixture and no matter how many times you’ve stirred it, it will not unlump. Better luck next time!



Tomato Spinach Chicken Spaghetti

The recipe is simple but nowhere, NOWHERE, in there does it specify the amount of time you should spend on the floor of your kitchen asking your mom to send you cooked pasta overnight or even just order you something through Seamless. Because you cannot do it. You cannot. And you’ve basically lost your voice from this week of adventurous cooking/crying. Oh no, the timer just went off but you have no idea what you set it for because the food is dumped in the sink, which you did as an act of self care while your mom silently listened to your breakdown on the phone.


Next time you want to explore your ability to make yourself food, skim the recipe for clarity first. If it doesn’t include three minutes to “let cool” for your brain, it’s probably not a reliable recipe. Good luck!