In a move that bodes well for his ability to think ahead, the 29-year-old man you’re about to go on a date with – Kenny from Hinge – texted you “I wish I had kissed you back there” hours before the date even started.
“I was a bit confused when I read the message, considering there is no ‘back there’ to speak of,” you told reporters gathered at the scene. “I have never met this man in person. He hasn’t had a single opportunity to kiss me. What is happening?”
According to Kenny, this is all part of his plan to prove that he’s a reliable guy who knows how to get things done.
“I know exactly how this date is going to go,” Kenny told reporters while leaning back in the gaming chair he uses to work his 9-5 in adtech. “I’m going to be absolutely dazzled by her, she’s going to feel pretty lukewarm-leaning-positive about me, we’ll part ways at the subway station, I’ll fumble the goodbye by going in for a hug, and then I’ll text her approximately 25 seconds later that I wish we had kissed.”
Reporters were a bit confused why he seemed to be so proud of all this.
“I need to show her I’m not like the other guys, though,” he continued. “I’m willing to skip some steps here, take our relationship to the next level. I’m texting her ‘Wish I had the courage to hold your hand and caress your cheeks’ now so that she knows I’m on a different level than all those other weirdos.”
You agree that the text has proved he’s “on a different level than all those other weirdos,” specifically a level that is worse.
“There is something deeply chilling about it for sure,” you continued after immediately screenshotting the texts and sending it to all of your friends. “Like, if he knows this fumble is going to happen, why doesn’t he just plan on kissing me instead? Why would he anticipate being a coward? And also, where did he get my phone number? We’ve just been communicating in-app.”
Sources confirm Kenny from Hinge used his limited power in the data analytics world to scrape your phone number from the internet. This is the last decisive move he will make, however, as he clearly intends not to kiss you in a couple of hours.
“Honestly, I’m glad he texted me this already, because it’s proving I don’t want to kiss him at all,” you continued. “In fact, I’m quite scared and put off by his whole vibe.”
As of press time, you texted Kenny back that you were feeling a little ill and might not be able to make it tonight after all. He confidently replied, “Fuck you whore bitch.”
