It was a day like any day – I was eating a deli sandwich and went to pick out a beverage. Since my usual flavor of Polar seltzer was out, I opted to try something new and pick up a slightly pricey San Pellegrino sparkling water. Suddenly, before I could realize it, my hand was check-marking the box next to Mike Bloomberg’s name on the Democratic primary ballot.
In a whirlwind of events, high off the thrill of fancy water with gas, I had forgotten I was not a part of the 1% and promptly voted for Bloomberg.
In reality, I’m a public school teacher with a lot on the line this election so I actually really regret getting carried away. I can’t believe I voted for someone who only rich people really like. Every night as I think of the various challenged faced by my students, many of whom come from immigrant families, I am haunted by the image of him saying “Big Gay Ice Cream.”
I’ve asked my peers whether they’ve had similar experiences, and my friend Dorothy Greene had.
“One time in 2016 I ate a Kind bar, you know, the type that’s like 3 dollars and comes with fancy almonds and dark chocolate… and the next thing I knew I was voting for Gary Johnson. I’ve been terrified of any kind of nutrition bar ever since.” Dorothy recalled, ashamed.
Truly, a fleeting moment of luxury can mean utter moral devastation.
To rectify my mistake, I have dedicated all my free time to canvassing for literally anyone else on the Democratic primary ballot, and also started handwriting personalized apology notes to basically everyone in my life. I have also avoided doing anything else that gives me the illusion of having money, like getting guac at Chipotle or buying 50 dollar candles.
I’m sorry America, and I will stick to the Vintage seltzer from now on.