Oh No! My Barista Thinks I’m Straight, Even Though I Am

Just when I finally thought I was cool enough to live in my hip, progressive neighborhood the worst thing you can imagine happened. I walked into my coffee shop like it was any other day, my New Yorker tote fully visible, and ordered my usual—a cold brew with oat milk. But then, my extremely cool, queer barista asked, “Oh! Are you paying together?” and gestured to a MAN standing next to me. I stood there in complete shock.


My barista…thinks I’m STRAIGHT?! Even though technically I am??


I was deeply offended. Had I not looked cool enough every morning ordering my cold brew with oat milk?! To just assume I’m attracted to MEN!? UGH! I mean I am, sure and maybe that man was hot but that is simply not the point! This is 2021! It is embarrassing to be straight. And the last person I want assuming I’m an uncool hetero is my extremely attractive, flawlessly cool queer barista!


I tried to play it cool—I could NOT let them think I was any more of a straight-o. I blurted out, “We are not together!!” and sat down to sip my cold brew and journal, hoping everyone in the immediate radius would forget what just happened and focus on me being extremely artsy and journaling.


As I started to write, I could not get over how my favorite barista had just assumed I was straight this whole time? Was it my makeup? Were these not the RIGHT crocs?!  I finally thought I belonged in this trendy liberal neighborhood and this is what happens?! It feels so unfair to have been blindly labeled like this. And yes, even though I have dated and slept with men, and would have gladly dated and slept with THAT man, that is not the point! I am not who I sleep with. I am MUCH cooler than that!



I’ve just been trying so hard to impress this barista, and have them think I was cool and MAYBE just as queer as they were. Is that so much to ask? After this year of reflecting and TikTok algorithms, haven’t we realized sexuality is fluid anyway?! Who’s to say I won’t be queer tomorrow?! Oh god, tomorrow. I’ll have to come back tomorrow! What should I wear? Do I just give up and bring out the Ugg boots. No! I can’t! Oh man, I wish I knew why I was so upset that my barista thinks I’m straight…maybe if I just dress super cute tomorrow and come back and order another cold brew they’ll give me another chance.


Until then, I guess I can only pray they at least think I’m bi….wait, am I bi?!