Nobody Is Perfect But Erin Is Close and I Hate Her for That

As children, we all learn the lesson that “nobody is perfect.” But my friend Erin is dangerously close and I completely resent her for that.


Is Erin without faults? None of us are, but she probably is. Erin smiles all of the time and is nice to literally everyone. Seriously, who has the energy for that? She has the bubbly and cute personality of a fairy princess and you can tell it’s genuine. She really, really wants to make other people happy, which keeps me awake at night, because I really, really want her to be a fuck-up.


Nobody has to be a genius to have success in life, but Erin is probably the closest thing without it being weird. She got a perfect score on her SATs. She went to Princeton but is super humble about it. It’s so, so amazing and I despise it with every fiber of my being.


Most people are good at one or two things and that’s okay, but Erin plays three different sports, can sing, and sells her own paintings just as a hobby. People pay for her artwork! Good for her, but fuck her! No one should be blessed with all of those talents while I run a 15-minute mile and have the artistic capabilities of a kindergartener.



And while we should all celebrate our own personal style, Erin is objectively the best dresser I have ever seen. She never wears sweatpants or lazy outfits, and somehow manages to make simple jeans and a T-shirt look like runway apparel. I shop at a lot of the same stores Erin shops at! She has great body image and self worth, which is so inspiring, I could kill her. Honestly, I could just push her in a fucking well.


And even though social media can’t really replace meaningful time with friends, Erin manages to excel at both. Her tweets are funny and charming, her Instagram posts all get at least 75 likes, her Snapchat story is never too long, and everything she posts on Facebook gets at least 110 reactions, and most of them are “loves.” We’re all striving to make a difference in the world, and Erin is doing it, which is driving me up the fucking wall.


Erin is my friend, and I love her, but she’s really close to being perfect so I also don’t. She needs to calm down and stop being good at everything or else my contempt for her will eat me from the inside out, until I’m a bitter shell of a human being. Erin, you’re an amazing person, but fuck you!