In an inspiring story emerging from Brooklyn, NY, 26-year-old Ivy Tregalis was engaging in a thought experiment with friends when she came to the realization that if she were sent back in time via time travel device, she would have absolutely no insight to offer anyone.
Nice! Great job accruing modern knowledge, girl!
“We were going around saying what we’d do if we got sent back in time,” Ivy’s best friend Tammy Ung told reporters. “I said I’ve memorized the last 30 presidents and the last 10 Super Bowl winners, so I could probably win a lot of money gambling, but Ivy said she pretty much remembers nothing of note.”
Sources confirm Ivy would not be able to offer any insight on advances in sports, technology, politics, art, or really any subject at all.
“Well, I’d tell people about the iPhone and Twitter and everything,” Ivy said, desperately trying to find some way she’d be of use in the past. “I guess I couldn’t tell them how that stuff works, though. Or who made it. Or what it even is, really. I could draw the Instagram homepage, though!”
Reporters confirmed this would be a pretty useless piece of knowledge to have considering all the other stuff she was missing.
When asked whether Ivy could recite the last couple of presidents or any major political developments of the last 10 years, she admitted she “hadn’t really been paying attention to that stuff, because I care a lot more about art.”
When asked if she could share any insight in the art world, she qualified that she “meant more like pop culture stuff.”
What an involved citizen of the world!
“I’d be really good at naming celebrities’ dates of birth and star signs and stuff,” she continued, as if this were extremely useful. “I’m sure everyone in the past would be really excited to hear about Lady Gaga.”
This assumption remains unverified.
Sources confirm if she were sent back in time, Ivy wouldn’t really even have any way to prove she was from the future, considering how little she knows about the time in which she’s currently lives.
“They’ll probably label me a heretic and a conspiracist and burn me at the stake,” she said, resigned to this fate. “And that’s if I were sent back to the 80s.”
As of press time, reporters had discovered the one piece of insight Ivy would have to offer: She could recite every stage of the Kendrick/Drake beef, but that wouldn’t really be useful to anyone except for, say, Drake.
