New Study Finds Children’s Prolonged Screen Time Increases Likelihood of Having One Goddamn Moment to Yourself

 A decade-long study out of the University of Pennsylvania has concluded that prolonged screen time for children under the age of 12 increases the likelihood of parents having one single goddamn moment to themselves.


“Our research was comprehensive,” said Dr. Meera Singh, a lead researcher involved in the study. “And the conclusion is clear: kids who spend more time in front of screens are infinitely more likely to have parents who get one godforsaken second to take a breather from the unending job of parenting.”


“We started this study in 2010, and have focused on the screens that have been relevant to children each year,” Dr. Singh added. “We started with television and iPods, then iPads, then smartphones and tablets. Eventually, we got to a point where kids had their own smartphones. But we got all the same results.”


“No matter the screen they’re looking at, children who look at a screen for even a few hours per day up to 10 times more likely to give their parent a fucking break for a measly minute or two,” Dr. Singh added. “The implications are huge.”



Parents across the country are relieved.


“It’s a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders,” said Kinsley Monteiro of Jacksonville, FL. “To know that letting my daughter watch Youtube on her tablet for a little while so I can eat one measly bite of food or take a fucking shower for once is…reassuring, to say the least.”


“Yeah, I’m thrilled with these results,” said Rachel Huff, of Phoenix, AZ. “I’ve been letting my kids watch TV for as long as they want, so long as they give me a minute to do anything, anything.”


“It’s so good to have it confirmed that any amount of screen time is great for parents and also okay for kids,” she added.


“Well, I didn’t say all that,” interjected Dr. Singh.