It’s impossible to keep up with the trends in skincare these days. From retinol to preventative Botox, it seems the industry is constantly innovating, introducing new products to halt the process of aging. These methods pale in comparison, however, to the latest skincare hack: making a deal with the mythical warlock that lives beneath the abandoned bridge!
That’s right, the one down yonder!
“From The Ordinary to CeraVe to Neutrogena, it seems everyone’s competing to get a leg up in the skincare industry,” said renowned moisturizer expert Greta Frenkle. “But they’ve been so busy worrying about each other that they forgot to keep an eye out for their biggest competitor: the mangled, gritty warlock that lives beneath the Junesberry Bridge (second left after the Nevermore Tree) who grants wishes, for a price of course.”
Reporters attempted to find this bridge, but sources confirm it’s only visible to those who are pure of heart and sound of mind, whereas most of the reporters are pretty shitty people.
“I’ve tried everything I could to prevent sun damage,” Jenny Park, a longtime customer of the warlock, told reporters. “Nothing has worked quite as well as striking a deal with Andromecus, the mythical warlock that lives beneath the Junesberry Bridge (second left after the Nevermore Tree).”
35-year-old Jenny swears her skin has regressed to its 20-year-old state, and all she had to do was promise a pint of her blood to the warlock every Wednesday after the Hyacinth Moon.
“Turns out the Hyacinth Moon only happens, like, once every three months, so it’s super chill,” Jenny continued. “Better than paying an insane copay to my dermatologist!”
While no reporter has managed to make contact with the warlock and confirm his skincare abilities, rumors of his appearance and temperament abound.
“The warlock appeared to me as a three-headed deer,” said 25-year-old chronic acne sufferer, Matt Saunders. “I promised him dominion over my soul in the next life, he made some guttural noises, and voila! Acne’s gone! Bacne is still here, though. Assuming that’s a separate deal.”
“A three-headed deer? Yeah, that’s bullshit,” said another beneficiary of the warlock, Winnie León. “Everyone knows the warlock is a Christ-like figure bathed in a warm light. Pretty sure Matt’s lying. And between you and me, he’s got preventative Botox written all over that forehead.”
At press time, representatives from Neutrogena managed to trick and trap the warlock. They’ll be selling a warlock wish subscription service for four easy payments of $19.99. What a steal!
