Amidst the pandemic that has claimed the lives of over 170,000 Americans, cool teens around the country have snapped into action, rolling out a new plan to teach their younger cousins to smoke weed virtually, rather than in person, during the fall semester.
“We understand that teaching our younger cousins to smoke weed during family gatherings is a rite of passage,” said spokesteen Amy Masterson, 16. “But COVID-19 has made it more challenging than ever for cousins to safely share joints before, during, and after large family meals.”
“You could say it’s a high-risk activity,” Masterson added.
The virtual curriculum developed by America’s teens is ambitious, with early classes devoted to basics such as inhaling, nonchalantly asking cousins if they’d like to “go for a walk”, and not being a square. Students who master these skills are encouraged to experiment with watching TV with the sound off while listening to music and asking Mom increasingly pointed questions about her time following the Grateful Dead.
Reactions to the curriculum have been overwhelmingly positive. “I didn’t know if I would ever be able to learn how to smoke weed if I weren’t actually at Thanksgiving with my cousin,” confessed Stuart Martin, 14. “But after only a couple of Skype sessions with Donny, I was able to get super high all by myself and eat dinner with my family without freaking out about how weird it is that we eat eggs.”
When asked for clarification, Martin only responded, “Did you know that if you listen to Tommy with a candle burning, you’ll see your future?”
Despite most cousins’ initial enthusiasm, the teens’ plan is not without its detractors. “There are just some things you can’t teach over FaceTime,” argued former teen Katie Singh. “Our cousins need hands-on guidance – an experienced mentor who can tell them if they’re using way too much Febreze or if they need to work on their passing etiquette. Epidemic or no epidemic, their education is too important to be put on hold right now.”
Regardless, most teens are looking forward to their joint partnership during the fall. “As teens, it is our sacred duty to teach our younger cousins about the interfamilial dynamics at play around them,” said Masterson. “A moment alone with a joint is often all the time we have to pass down the secret history of who our aunts, uncles, and grandparents actually are.”
Masterson paused before adding, “We also need to tell them to label their baggies of weed ‘oregano’… just in case.”