This winter seems like it’s never going to end, and my skin is definitely paying the price. It’s been so dry and itchy that it feels like no matter how much I moisturize, it doesn’t make a difference. But last week my skin was so thirsty, it totally crossed a line: It walked upstairs, knocked on my neighbor’s door, and then fucked him!
I mean, what the fuck??
I was just sitting on the couch, watching TV, when suddenly I felt a super weird sensation. I thought I was running a fever or something because I felt tingly all over but then I realized what was happening. My skin was peeling off my body and sliding toward the door. I was like “wait!” but it just kept going, right out the door, then upstairs where it had hard, passionate sex with my upstairs neighbor, Rob. I know this because I could hear it from below where I was sitting, totally fileted and bleeding on my couch.
What a thirsty bitch!
I’ve always had problems with dry skin. I’ve even gone to dermatologists and tried prescription strength treatments. But nothing works and now, as a result, my skin started its own Instagram that’s nothing but selfies and I can’t look my goddamn neighbor in the eyes.
My skin came back downstairs and re-merged with my body, which is great, but I’m still pretty mad. I don’t want to slut shame, but I wish my skin wasn’t just a thirsty ho who wanted to get with the first guy whose presence it seemed to preternaturally sense. Plus, Rob is unemployed and his mom pays his rent. I wish my thirsty-ass skin had some standards!
The worst part is that I kind of had a thing for Rob awhile back, but now he’s sort of dating my skin and I’m like, okay Rob, that’s cool. Plus it’s really painful every time my skin slips off my bones so it can go fuck Rob.
I just can’t wait for winter to be over so the humidity can come back and take care of my cracking, dry, thirsty skin.
Although I do shudder at the thought of what my wet, supple skin might get up to. Ugh, my skin is such a fucking bitch!
