I’ve always been a very spiritual and sexual person, so it’s not surprising that I’ve taken up the practice of tantric sex, which for those of you who don’t know, is basically just a long time having goooood sex. For many people, the idea of having a deep, hours-long sexual experience is intimidating, but I’ve got a secret to fucking for hours, and it’s wasting time taking hella pee breaks.
Tantric sex is no joke: it’s all about you and your partner building sexual energy over a long period of time. For a while, you don’t even touch each other! You’re just making gorgeous energy together, preparing the space for a lengthy fuck-fest. I stand facing my partner, conjuring up excitement and presence of mind—the longer the better. And you can really extend the time by taking mad pee breaks. In the middle of electric moments of connection just say, “Um, hold on a sec” and then bounce out of the room to take a pee. Do this every 15 minutes and suddenly you’ll find that your sessions are longer than ever. Wow, that’s tantric!
Before I discovered tantric sex, I was just having normal sex, but it was always just… too short. And I have a lot of free time for sex! That’s when I decided to take up the study of tantric sex, and work on having long-as-hell sessions. That’s also when I decided to siphon off my pee-supply so that I could slowly release one bladder’s worth of urine over the course of sixteen hours to extend the fucking. It’s changed my life in so many ways.
People tell me that leaving the room near-constantly actually means that it’s not tantric sex. But that shows how much they know about tantric sex, because the point of tantric sex is that it takes forever. You can kinda do whatever, as long as you’re still sort of willing to keep going. Do a puzzle together while you’re naked and sort of in the mood to fuck—that’s also tantric sex. Hey, that’s not a bad idea!
I’m grateful to tantric sex for improving my life significantly. First off, I have serious bragging rights. I tell all my friends about my impressive “sessions.” Little do they know that it’s about an hour of yab-yum, an hour of massage, 45 minutes of penis-in-vagina action and four full hours of me slinking out of my partner’s arms to go sit my cold ass on the toilet. Taking hella pee breaks may make your partner feel insecure, but it’s for the sake of the tantric sex. The more you pee, the more tantric you are. Those are the rules and you’re way ignorant if you disagree. The other perk about tantric sex is that now I get really horny when I pee, just as a Pavlovian type of response. Some people don’t want the urge to orgasm every time they enter a bathroom but those dudes ain’t me.
What can I say? I just love the fuckin’ and the peein’.
At the end of the day, I’m proud of my tantric sex hack that keeps me fucking for hours on end. And if you aren’t impressed by my tantric skills, get this: my constant sex peeing has me UTI-free.
