After four years with my boyfriend Matt we decided it was time to make the next big step in our relationship: heading to Splitsville. I was so excited to tell my friends and family the great news, but for some reason, now everyone thinks we broke up.
What the hell? It’s a really nice town.
Matt and I decided to move to Splitsville for the remarkable tax benefits, reasonable housing prices, and lively atmosphere perfect for young couples. I immediately ran to tell my childhood best friend, Ji Sue, that Matt and I were moving to Splitsville, but before I could get another word out, she was hugging me, rocking me back and forth, and telling me everything would be okay.
What the fuck is going on? I thought they were supposed to be happy for me.
I told her I knew it would be okay, and that I suspected it might even be great. She agreed heartily, but as I left, she told me I should re-download Tinder on my phone to “get over this.” Why? Our relationship is stronger than ever! We’re getting a miniature greyhound.
I couldn’t wait to tell my parents that I was finally moving out of their basement and into Splitsville, but my mom burst into tears and said Matt was “the best guy I could ever hope to find.” This seemed like a compliment, so why was she crying? My dad told me he’d be there for me if I needed anything, which, again, sounded like a good thing, but his demeanor suggested a deep sadness.
Hadn’t they heard of a happy couple moving out to Splitsville for the tax break before?
When I told my friend Joe that Matt and I were headed out west to Splitsville, he gasped and asked if it was because Matt realized he’s gay. What? Why would we move in together if Matt was gay?
Then Joe told his friend Hannah that Matt was “on the market again,” which I thought was an odd way to say “looking for a home in Splitsville.” Next thing I knew, Matt called me to say Hannah had visited him at work and was trying to kiss him. If we’d wanted a third, honey, we would have asked!
Even though my friends and family didn’t seem supportive at all, I couldn’t wait for Matt and I to move to Splitsville. That is, until I came home last night to find him sitting on the couch, shrouded in darkness. He said he wanted to move to Splitsville on his own, without me, and that we should break up. The next day, I updated my friends that Matt and I were no longer moving to Splitsville together after all. For some reason, they were all thrilled for us. When did I befriend such unempathetic assholes?!
