Did you recently coerce someone into driving three hours away to pick the remaining apples off some barren trees at a place with “Harvest” and “Farm” in its name? Then, you’re also probably wondering how you can still have so many fucking apples after making nine pies, seven cakes, four gallons of applesauce, six bags of apple chips, twelve liters of cider, a dozen candied apples and eight centerpieces. Don’t fret, because we’ve got even more shit to do with all the fucking apples you picked!
Make a quirky phone!
Like old times! Carve out the insides of two apples, weave some string through tiny holes in their bottoms, tie knots on the ends and grab a gal pal for a gab fest that puts the “ha” in orchard. Warning: This is less good than your actual phone.
Learn to juggle
Ever wish you had a special talent you could show off at malls and office get-togethers? Teach yourself how to juggle with apples, and you’ll be the talk of the town. Every time you drop one, throw it in the trash!
Pretend You’re on a Roasting Spit
Strip down to your skivvies, stick an apple in your mouth, get down on all fours and wait for you man to come home. A move like that is sure to get his juices flowing. Speaking of that, have you made juice yet? You should do that first.
Stuff your bra
Sure, it’ll look a little lumpy, but who cares? Remember: stems facing out.
Install a ball pit
Let a couple bags of apples loose in your bathroom and charge neighborhood kids to roll around in a sea of fermenting fruit. It’s like apple bobbing, but with your whole body. No pooping!
Throw them out a window
Chucking whole bags of apples into the street is fast, easy, and invigorating. If you need a “reason” to defenestrate a few bags of McIntosh and Red Delicious, pretend that your boyfriend cheated on you and you’re throwing all his stupid fucking possessions out the window.
Bury them in the woods
How often do we get to be bear witness to the circle of life? Grab a shovel, dig a hole, and empty your seventeen bags of leftover Braeburns into Mother Nature’s open mouth.
See how many you can stuff in your pants
Throw on a pair of tapered sweats, pull back that drawstring and empty the remaining apples into your pant legs. Ask people in the street to guess how many are inside. Closest without going over wins the whole lot! Don’t tell them about the rotting.
Make a cool pair of glasses
Core two apples and put them on your face so you can see through their middles. Stick a twig between them. Tada! You’re ready for the Gala.
Stuff them in a tailpipe
Believe it or not, Jonagolds fit perfectly in Range Rover tailpipes. So, drag those crunchy yellows down to your local Whole Foods, and start plugging. The soccer moms will never know what hit them because they’ll be dead from the carbon monoxide.
Carve a bong
We saw a guy do it in college once. Google it.
Watch them slowly rot
Fall is a sobering reminder that everything eventually dies. Think of your rotting apples as a metaphor for the fleeting nature of life. Watch them slowly decompose as you mull over the meaninglessness of existence. Just watch out for fruit flies!
