Representatives of the beauty brand Maybelline have proudly announced their latest release: a bold red lipstick specifically designed to write ominous threats on mirrors for your enemies to discover.
“We wanted to present our customers with a versatile product designed to take you from day to night,” said lead marketer Angie DeMarcus. “Where, by day, you’re doing your job, and by night, you’re taking vengeance on someone who has done you a terrible wrong, such as stealing your man, nabbing a promotion you deserved, or looking at you in a bit of an annoying way.”
Angie assured customers this new lipstick comes off easily with any makeup remover, not leaving the terrible residue that lingers with other, similar lipsticks. She also assured customers that it will not come off with soap and water when your nemesis dramatically tries to wipe the message away with a bathroom paper towel.
“It won’t smear on your face, but it will smear perfectly when someone tries to clean it off a mirror,” she continued. “This smear-forward technology will really add to the effect of a well-placed, ‘You’re next’ or ‘I know what you did’ scrawled in big block letters in your nemesis’ personal space.”
According to Maybelline’s research team, it’ll have your enemy saying, “WHO DID THIS?” and “STOP, PLEASE STOP!”
“The primary issue I found with other lipsticks was the lack of structural stability,” said local customer Joni White, who hopes to use this lipstick to terrorize her ex-best friend from afar. “When I tried to write ‘Here Hides the Whore’ on the mirror in her childhood home, my last lipstick basically snapped in half. I just can’t have that happening in such a high-pressure scenario.”
Joni maintains this is not a problem with the new Maybelline “Personalized Terror.”
“The Maybelline ‘Personalized Terror’ was the perfect alternative!” Joni continued. “It really held its shape as I scrawled my message in jagged letters, and I even had some left over to add a kiss. It’s also such a perfect shade for my skin tone.”
Mirrors aren’t the only thing this lipstick is perfect for: it also functions as a rub-in blush!
“The blush function was also super helpful when I tried to make it seem like the man I murdered still had some color to his flesh,” said one customer whose name is being withheld during his legal trial. The customer also agreed to testify to the product’s efficacy in exchange for a lightened sentence – talk about a must-have!
